When the Toxic One Is Family and Setting Boundaries Without the Guilt

For every woman who’s had to say “enough” — even to her own blood.

Let’s just get real here—Toxic is toxic, even if it shares your last name.

For the longest time, I didn’t understand what was happening in my life. I just knew something felt off.

I’d leave conversations with my mom or my ex-husband feeling drained, confused, and like somehow, I’d done something wrong... even when I hadn’t.

I used to think narcissism meant someone who was just loud, arrogant, and full of themselves. But what I’ve come to learn—painfully—is that narcissism can also be quiet. Sneaky. Twisted into guilt and gaslighting until you can’t even recognize yourself anymore.

The Moment, I Finally Saw It

It wasn’t until I was in my 40s that I fully understood what was going on.

I looked back at my relationships, especially with my mother and ex-husband and it all started to make sense:

• It was never about supporting me; it was about controlling me.

• My feelings were always “too much.”

• My kindness was never enough.

• And no matter how hard I tried, they always made me feel like I was the problem.
  

For years, I kept showing up. Trying harder. Trying to “fix” things. But deep down, being around them just made me feel bad. Sad. Small. And worst of all—unseen.

That’s not love. That’s manipulation.

Realizing the Truth (And How I Set Myself Free)

I used to believe that family would be your biggest cheerleaders. I thought cutting ties with your own parents, or the father of your children was just… unthinkable.

But here’s the truth that finally set me free: It wasn’t me. It was them.

And no matter how deeply someone is rooted in your life, if they poison your peace, they’ve got to go.

I cut ties. I only speak to them if I absolutely have to or not at all.  

And though it was hard—so hard and painful —I’m now on the other side.

And I see clearly. And I feel lighter. And I have peace.

Tips to Set Boundaries (Without the Crushing Guilt)

If you’re in this space, trying to figure out how to protect yourself from family members who are toxic, selfish, or even emotionally abusive.

Here’s what helped me:

💬 Say “No” With Clarity and Kindness

You don’t have to be cruel. You just have to be clear.

Here are a few simple scripts you can use:

• “I’m not able to talk about that right now.”

• “This relationship doesn’t feel healthy for me anymore.”

• “I need space to focus on my peace and healing.”

• “I’m choosing not to continue this pattern.”

• “Please respect my boundaries, or I’ll have to step away.”

You don’t owe long explanations. Your mental health matters more than their approval.

🧠 Let Go of the Guilt

• Guilt is a tool toxic people use to pull you back in.

• Feeling bad doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing.

• You’re not “abandoning” them, you’re rescuing yourself.
  

🛡 Remind Yourself: Peace > Approval

Write it down. Stick it on your mirror. Say it out loud: "Just because they’re family doesn’t mean they get to hurt me.”

🔄 Choose You—Every Time

Now, I spend my energy differently. I pour it into things I enjoy. I’ve learned to be my own cheerleader.

It took time. It took loneliness. It took grief. But it also gave me something priceless: Peace. Clarity. Strength. Self-worth.

If You’re in That Hard Place Right Now…

I see you. I know what it feels like to doubt yourself, to wonder if you’re being dramatic, if you're the problem or to mourn a relationship that should’ve been safe.

But I want to remind you of something: You deserve peace. You deserve respect. You deserve love that doesn’t come with pain, heartache or sadness on a regular basis.

No one should have the access to treat you wrong, even if they’re your mom. Your dad. Your sibling, so-called friend or if it’s the person you built a life with and had kids with.

If they hurt you consistently, if they make you feel small, if they only show up to take from you...You are allowed to say: “No more." And you don’t have to feel bad about it.

You Can Still Move Forward

Cutting ties wasn’t easy. It was lonely. It was hard reprogramming my mind and my thoughts.

But now, I finally feel like I can breathe again.

I am being genuine to my thoughts and feelings and not thinking about how they feel or will feel anymore.

I DON’T CARE! How they feel, is their problem.

And if that’s what you need to do for you, you’re allowed to do it too.

Family isn’t just about DNA. It’s about how they make you feel when you’re with them.

And if someone only brings pain, guilt, confusion or disrespect into your life, they are not your “family” or "friend" in the way that truly matters.

Have you had to set boundaries with toxic family members? What helped you through it?

Share below. You never know who needs to hear your story today. 💬❤️