Mending What's Broken: Rebuilding a Relationship With Your Children After Parental Alienation

If you’re anything like me, still picking up the pieces after a messy divorce you might know what it feels like to lose not just a partner, but your connection with your own children.

And if your ex was a narcissist, master manipulator, or just plain cruel, you might be living the nightmare I’ve lived: watching your kids slowly turn against you, not because of who you are, but because of who he told them you were.

I was married for 18 years. A stay-at-home mom to four kids. I raised them, cared for them, made their meals, kissed their scrapes, tucked them into bed day in and day out, while their father traveled and worked and left me to do the heavy lifting.

I didn’t have time to care for myself. I didn’t know how. And when the marriage ended, I thought the hardest part was over.

I had no idea the real heartbreak would come later when he slowly and methodically turned my children away from me.

He lied to them. Manipulated them. Painted me as something I’m not. And for a long time, no one wanted to hear my side. Not even my own family.

So if this is you, please know: you are not alone. This pain is real. And I know how badly you want to fix things, to rebuild the bond with your children, even when it feels impossible.

Here are the steps I’m taking and that can maybe help you to start healing and hopefully reconnecting with your children.

Focus on Healing Yourself First

This might sound backward when your heart is screaming “fix it with the kids!” But trust me on this—your healing matters first. 

When you’ve been gaslighted, manipulated, and heartbroken, your nervous system is running on empty. Your mind is full of fear, grief, and sometimes guilt. Start by slowing down and taking care of you.

• Go to therapy if you can (even online).

• Journal your feelings.

• Practice breathing, grounding, or mindfulness.

• Say kind things to yourself every day even if you don’t fully believe them yet.
  

You can’t show up as your best self for your children if you’re drowning in pain.

Don’t Fight Fire With Fire

I know it’s tempting to tell your children everything that's going on, the truth about your ex, the lies, the manipulation.

But here’s the hard truth: if they’ve been brainwashed, they’re not ready to hear it yet.

Instead of defending yourself or tearing their other parent down, just focus on being calm, loving, and consistent. 

This isn’t about winning. It’s about showing them who you are through your actions.

Say things like:

• “I’m always here when you’re ready to talk.”

• “I love you no matter what.”

• “I’m sorry for the pain you’ve felt.”
  

You’re planting seeds. It takes time.

Be patient.

Create Safe, Nonjudgmental Space

If they do reach out even a text or a “like” on social media respond gently. 

Don’t jump into past issues or explain your side right away. Just make space.

Be a soft place to land, especially if they’re confused or unsure.

Even if the contact is awkward, even if it's just a breadcrumb receive it with warmth, not expectation.

Apologize Where It’s Honest to Do So

You don’t need to apologize for lies told about you, but it’s okay to own your real mistakes. None of us are perfect parents.

I made mistakes in how I coped by drinking, smoking weed and trying to numb my pain, checking out emotionally at times. That pain came from being unsupported and alone, but I still own my part.

Kids respect honesty, especially when it's free from excuses.

Say something like:

• “I wasn’t always the mom I wanted to be. I was struggling. I’m sorry for any hurt that caused you.”

• “I’m working on healing now, and I’d love a chance to build something better with you.”

  

Let Go of the Outcome (But Not the Hope)

This is the hardest step. You can do all the right things, and your children may still not come back yet.

But your job isn’t to force reconciliation. Your job is to become the healthiest, most authentic version of yourself so that when that door opens, you’re ready.

Hold space for them. Keep the light on. Love them from a distance if that’s all you can do.

Build a Life You Love—For YOU

While you wait, don’t press pause on your life. It’s not selfish to laugh again. To travel. To go back to school, find a new hobby, or fall in love again. That’s healing.

You are allowed to live, to bloom, to be whole even if your family looks different now.

Trust That Truth Rises

Here’s what I believe with every fiber of my being: truth always surfaces. 

One day, your children will start to see things more clearly. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next year but your love, your consistency, your truth will echo louder than any lie ever could.

Stay steady. Keep loving. Keep being you.

To All the Women Out There

Whether you're 25 and navigating co-parenting, or 55 and fighting to reclaim your relationship with grown children you are not alone.

This journey is painful, yes, but it’s not hopeless. There is still time for healing.

There is still space for reconnection.

And you are still worthy of love especially your own.

Let’s keep walking this path together.